My Neighbor, the President

My Neighbor, the President...

My neighbor has ALS.  This ice water over your head ALS craze on YouTube and Facebook really does not seem all that humorous.  Hopefully people are putting real effort into fundraising.  When public radio does their fundraising I donate 1) because I listen to public radio and 2) I want them to shut up.  

For whatever reason thinking about my neighbor who has ALS led me to thinking about having a President as a neighbor.

Barack Obama
Living next door to Barack would be OK, I guess.  "Hey, Barack, can you help me shingle my garage on Saturday?"    Without a doubt this would lead into a long answer with finger pointing and a lot of serious looks.  We'd probably have to take breaks to shoot hoops.  His wife seems nice, as do his kids.  I'd me more discreet than him on covert operations.

George W. Bush
"George!  If you are not doing anything Saturday I could use some shingling help.  He's

pretty fit, probably strong.  I guess I'd have to have some near beer on hand but that's better than my President neighbors who just want to pound down the brewskies.  He was pretty content to have his staff tell him what do to so I don't think he'd try to take over.  He'd probably be good doing some sort of mid-day barbecue lunch.  George was a bit slow in making decision...I could move faster than that.

Bill Clinton
"Bill!  If Hillary is not around could you help with a shingling project Saturday.  I'm assuming you're not tied up with Hillary?"  "Well, John, I won't be tied up with Hillary but perhaps someone else (laughing)."  "Can I bring some of my friends and interns to help, too?"  I am praying for a hot, sunny day just to see Bill's "friends."  It's possible that he'd just start talking and the sun would cross the sky and we'd not be done (but move right into the evening celebration).  My ego would not get in the way.

George H. W. Bush
"George!  I need some shingling help.  It's nothing like the Kennebunkport house and it should not take more than a day. "Well...I'd like that.  Could we just do some sort of parachute drop of shingles right on the roof?"  This guy always seemed nice.  He was a dedicated federal appointee, WWII veteran and like fast boats and jumping into the ocean.  It's possible that he'd been away from real work a bit too long to be of actual help on the shingling project but I know he'd be supportive and willing to be a gopher..."can you go get us some Gatorade at SA, George?"  I have no criticism of his presidency.

Ronald Reagan
"Ron, I could use some help shingling a roof."  As hard as it was represented that he worked on his ranch, Ron slept late and took a lot of naps.  This is a tear-off roof project and we need to get it done.  I'm going to avoid "Mr. Gorbachev!  Tear that roof off!"  Certainly it's good to laugh but all those one-liners is simply too much Jay Leno.  We need to get the shingles done and he'd probably require too much supervision and I don't have time to write a lot of cue cards.  People consider him an iconic President for the conservative cause.  I could not be that.

Jimmy Carter
"Jimmy!  You know what to do with a hammer.  Can you help me with the garage this weekend?"  "Surely, John.  I roofed all our buildings back in Plains, GA.  Most of the roofing I've done recently was in Central America where they make roof tiles out of dirt, you know mud shingles that they dry in the sun.  If we started Monday we could make enough by Saturday.  Rosalyn and I also taught the Hondurans how to build outhouses so we should put one of those next to the garage."  Jimmy would be great and I know Rosalyn could make some good biscuits and gravy for lunch and the day would start and end with some words of God to keep the job site safe.  If we could avoid a big debate about Palestine we could get done.  He was also a submarine commander and I love submarines.  He was a bright but overly cautious President but has done wonderful work after that.  Hopefully I'll still do my best work, too.

Gerald Ford
"Gerry.  You are great guy.  I've asked a bunch of ex-Presidents to help shingle the garage but given your Chevy Chase tendencies, let's just play some golf after I've rested up."

Richard Nixon
"Dick.  I have a roofing project this Saturday and thought of you, you sweaty bastard.  As a Quaker I thought you'd be familiar with this kind of service work.  If you are not being impeached could you give me a hand?"  Regardless of the answer I just don't think I would be confident that he'd show up.  In lieu of Nixon I'd just hire a Hispanic crew.  As President he did open trade with China which has pretty much destroyed US manufacturing and led us into personal spending frenzy that will bury us, and of course China owns all our debt.  "Dick I've re-thought this and since all our tools and fasteners (yes, roofing nails and staples) are made in China why don't you ride one of those empty containers back and find a Saturday project over there."

Lyndon B. Johnson
Before I even ask I know it's going to be another Texas barbeque lunch.  Lyndon really won't be of much help on this roofing project per se but undoubtedly will find some federal money for EEO labor, probably be able to get an interstate highway exchange next to my garage and start a war in Indonesia. The roof will get done but it will take far longer than expected, cost millions and result in the death of everyone working on the project.  If he gets up on the roof he'll be the first guy to take off his shirt.  The war on poverty and the civil rights movement owe much to this guy, a powerful and persuasive lifetime politician.  As President I would not be as good and could not be as good, just different than him.

John Kennedy
"Jack.  Do you think you could be part of a shingling project on Saturday?"  "My back has been bothering me but I still have connections with my father's people to get some Irish beverages and I can get all the materials as a deal, like free, don't ask."  Marilyn can stop by, too, and show you a few things.  Jack displayed a great sense of humor.  During the election campaign everyone made a big deal of his Catholicism and thought the Pope would be running the Presidency.  Given Jack's connections on materials, if he could get Pope Francis to show up this would be a great Saturday."  Jack was a good President but he had Bobby at his side.  As an only child I simply don't have any sibling support and likely would not be as effective as President Kennedy.

Dwight D. Eisenhower
"Dwight!  I need some help with a roofing project, actually my garage on Saturday.  Do you think you could give me a hand.  It's just one garage.  We're not putting new roofs on the entire European theater."  Dwight's wife is a major frump,  nice but a frump.  If he can get that hot WWII driver of his to give him a ride I'm sure he'll show up.  If I remember, he, too, is a farm boy and while being quite rusty on the practical aspects of all this I'm certain he'd be able to prioritize, make some ordered lists and make sure that we don't forget any technical details.  This time around I'm sure he'd make sure we did not invite any British workers, even though this garage is being re-roofed to help defend Britain from the Germans.  Dwight was a five star general, commander of the Allied Forces in Europe.  I was an E-4 infantry and artillery guy.  It's unlikely that I would have been an adequate Commander of the Allied Forces.

First Draft Conclusion
I think I'll get George Bush and Jimmy Carter to help with the garage shingling project.